No nostalgia this week, just a good old fashioned rant.
Now, as is the norm with my blog posts, there really is no rhyme or reason to this. It’s going to be as sporadic and random as Harry Hill in a field full of badgers. Don’t let this lack of structure put you off though, be assured that all my points are seminal to the max!
There are a lot of thick people out there, we can all acknowledge that. The people who believe that you can cure someone by liking their picture on facebook – you’d probably do more good for them by licking the picture. Anyway, I won’t go on listing the traits of thick people cause I have been known to be fairly thick myself at times (I’m pretty sure I’m not able to tie my laces properly). But…when confectionary conglomerates come together every year in a fancy hotel, for the sole purpose of laughing at us, it’s time to take action. Action that starts by abusing them on a blog.
In the dock we have the following:
Roses. Quality Street. Miniature Heros. Celebrations.
About twenty years ago, the above (well the first two anyway) were the cornerstone of every family Christmas. The mere smell of a box of Roses would evoke memories of Christmas Day…the tin on your granny’s lap…each person digging in looking for their favourite while they watched Noel’s Christmas Presents on the telly. (Not everyone did of course – I was more than likely on the floor trying to play a 4 player board game on my own. My family weren’t big into board games.) The person who put the empty wrappers back into the tin got the back of a hairbrush. The point was, for that day, indeed for that whole season, the tin of sweets was part of the family.
And then the bastards got greedy.
They took a closer look at the lucrative festive sweets market and found ways of squeezing more money out of people while saving some cash at the same time.
The Box of roses used to have some character. There were barrels…mini bars…strawberry shaped things…it was all very festive and…well…sweet! I loved the mini dairy milk and bournvilles…they looked so damn cute. But they were the first to go. Too expensive to make, so they were axed. They constantly tinkered with it…introduced nice sweets and then ditched them the following year. People did not know where they stood with the box of roses. They couldn’t plan their Christmas properly because they didn’t know whether they’d be sucking on a toffee or picking bits of nut out of their teeth. But worse of all oh Cadbury C**ts (I put little stars in mam, is that okay? That way people can choose to say Cruts in their mind instead of cunts) (oops slipped out, sorry)…worst of all is what they have been doing with the size of the boxes.
This year they are pronouncing that all boxes are HALF PRICE. You gotta be kidding me. A box that tiny never cost us €13. STOP LYING TO US AND TREATING US LIKE IDIOTS.
We buy them anyway of course. We can’t resist chocolate and we can’t resist the word half price. If the people in Tesco were really clever they’d pay someone to stand around the boxes and say things like “Jaysus…they won’t last too long will they? There were 4 crates of them this morning…only 1 left” There would be a big chocolate blur towards the checkouts.
Roses are not the only ones to blame though. They may be the ring leaders, but the miniature heros and celebrations are little trouble makers in their own right.
Celebrations, First off, bravo on the nicest sweet of all. The teaser. Mars took a successful product and gave it a little twist, and now it’s the king of the sweets. But Christ…what are you doing with the rest of em? I took the liberty, (last year) for this exercise, to divide the box of celebrations into little groups, to see how many of each sweet we actually get.
You will see that they’re threading with caution on their new addition. There’s barely a twix in there at all. I don’t see the point of the mars myself…the topic has been fired this year…but why so many Milky Ways? Did you have some kind of surplus? Were you falling over milky ways in Mars Towers? Rotten little things. And don’t think for a second that by plying us with milky ways that we’ll forget that you’ve sneakily taken the truffles out of there. The one bit of luxury that we have over Christmas and you take it away from us. I don’t know what you’re playing at. Just give me a box of teasers next year please.
Cadburys really don’t know what they’re up to here. I didn’t like the concept from day one A box of mini versions of boring bars. Bars that were already released in “fun size” (who do they think they are telling us that they can measure fun btw), so they shrink them further and I’m supposed to be excited? I wasn’t. Until someone told me that they did something special with one of the bars. I tried it out of curiosity. And sure enough…yes..they had worked similar malteaser magic on the crunchie. A great concept became even better. Until they got rid of the fucking thing.
You see, we used to have –
- Crunchie (The ace in the pack)
- Dairy Milk Whole Nut
- Dream (A great little addition)
- Fuse (A culinary fusion of about 12 things that will rot your teeth but tickle your tastebuds)
- Picnic (one of your 5 a day)
- Time Out (the 90s child)
- Bournville (good for ya!)
And now we’re stuck with
- Creme Egg Twisted (the crème egg only works as an egg)
- Dairy Milk (meh)
- Dairy Milk Caramel (the whole country already has a fridge full of fun sized caramels)
- Eclairs (meh)
- Fudge (who buys a fudge? People only eat them at Christmas in a selection box)
- Twirl (meh)
So yes, I’m a bit sad. But, is it too much to ask the companies to include a little survey in their boxes so they can let the public decide, once and for all, what we want in our box of chocolate Christmas treats?
Don’t say I never talk about the things that matter.