The Hard Hitting Issues

I have become known as somewhat of a “ranter”.  This is mostly in jest of course.  In real life I am of course a jovial and fun loving kind of guy.  However, when you spend 5 days out of the week at home with a 1 and a half year old you begin to notice a lot of things that others wouldn’t.  Things that other people don’t have enough time to be annoyed by, I seem to have it in abundance.    I put it into this blog because I’m suppose to be a “writer”, and up to recently I felt that I wasn’t doing enough of that to justify the title.  So, even though i’m only bitching and moaning about menial things, at least I’m putting words on a page.  It’s all practice you see.

Real Butter.

Do any of you lovely people buy real butter?  It’s lovely isn’t it?  But let me ask you this…what do you use it for?  A doorstop?  A weapon against intruders?  I wish some highly enlightened person could tell me what they put in this butter, compared to say, dairygold or that spreadable water they call “low-low”, that it makes it solidify to concrete when placed in a fridge.  You see, when we think about butter…when we remember the butter we had as children, before everyone became obsessed with everything being low low, Butter looked like this:

Imagine that baby on a blaa.  Beautiful.

However, that really isn’t a very realistic looking picture.  When buy real butter this is usually what it looks like after a week:

You won’t see that on any ads for Kerrygold.  It looks like it’s been in a horrible car crash.

Still, it’s tastier than just about all the other butters out there.  Unfortunately that’s not worth much because it’s fucking unusable.  See fig.2 below:

So, I’m sure someone has some advice for me that doesn’t involve the use of the word “microwave”.

this.

There was a time when I couldn’t help myself abusing this programme on a weekly basis.  It actually offended me.  I was mystified that so many people watched it when it was so clearly the fakest, most offensive programme on TV.  But then, I watch a lot of obscure sport on telly and I know that wouldn’t be to most people’s tastes.  Each to their own and all that.  But, this is my soap box and I’m going to bitch about X factor now.

There are people who like the X Factor because they believe that it gives young musicians a start in life, a chance to become massive superstars.  This, can I immediately point out, is a load of bollox.  The X-Factor is merely an elaborate auditioning system for the chance to perform in Dignity.  (for my non deise readers, this is a gay bar in Waterford.)

Here are the winners of X Factor since it began, and beside the names is a description of what they are doing now:

1. 2004 – Steve Brookstein.

Now, X factor fans, don’t be surprised if, after hearing some of these names you either (a) don’t know who they are or (b) find yourself saying “Fuck!  Remember that poor bastard!”

Steve has spent a lot of the last few years tirelessly campaigning for children’s rights, animal rights, the death of Simon Cowell.  You see, Steve has become a very bitter man.  He now, from the comfort of his twitter box, hates everything to do with the X factor and doesn’t waste a moment when telling people how horrible it has become.  Steve my friend, it was horrible from day one.  Mr. Brookstein recently worked on some cruise ships and most recently was heard singing backing tracks on his wife’s Jazz albums.  He’s not the worst poor soul, God love him.*

*There mayor may not be a God, I’m not sure.  See earlier blogs for more info.

2. 2005 – Shayne Ward

Shane stole the hearts of many young girls in the early 00’s.  He also stole a lot of lead piping from the X Factor studio.  Mr Ward, of the infamous Ward group of travellers, became stale in England a lot quicker than in he did in Ireland.  He made appearances on The Late Late toy show, and on some child line shows before he eventually went back to fist fighting in car parks and selling furniture door to door.

3.  2006 – Leona Lewis

The only one Simon Cowell actually liked.  So she had a modicum of success.  One huge album that was secretly placed into every household in the UK & Ireland.  Presently she’s singing songs that people have written for her.  Her fan base have grown up now and no longer buy CDs so it’s hard to tell what the future holds for her.  If she plays her cards right there may be a stage in Dignity with her name on it.

4. 2007 -Leon Jackson

Leon released an album after his X-Factor victory, entitled “Right Now”, which was presumably about how long he expected to be famous for.  His record company, Sony, dropped him after this album and he was last seen coming 3rd in the regional heats of “West Lothian’s Got Talent”.

5.  2008 – Alexandra Burke

In the Winter of 2007 it was revealed that Leona Lewis was suffering from a very rare but deadly disease that threatened to end her brief career on planet earth.  Cowell wasn’t happy about this news as she had become somewhat of a cash cow for him and his company.  She needed to be replaced by an exact replica, and quick.  This is where Alexandra Burke came in.  Unfortunately for her, Lewis was put on a course of mild anti-biotics and recovered quickly.  Burke’s career wasn’t so lucky.  She was last seen on the checkouts in Asda, Islington.  She can still carry a tune and can be heard in several prominent karaoke bars in south london.  She still writes music.  Well ya know…in as much as a 4 year old draws pictures of a house and a garden.

6.  2009 – Joe McElderry

I was told that this guy was going to be MASSIVE.  I was told that it always takes a year or so for them to really take off.  This poor bastard has achieved nothing since he won the X-factor.  He released an album that nobody knew existed.   He’s currently on a job bridge programme in his native Tyne on Wear.

Sources close to the “star” claim that he intends on entering the X-Factor again in 2013, after failing to get passed the preliminary heats in 2012.  Apparently he sang one of the songs from his album, but nobody knew what it was.

7. 2010 – Matt Cardle

Isn’t funny how the closer we’re getting to today, the names are becoming more and more obscure.  I know absolutely nothing about Matt Cardle, and I expect most of you won’t either.  But, there is something we can do about that:

He won the X-Factor in 2010, and released this book in 2010.  I particularly enjoyed Chapter 4 which details a hilarious anecdote about how, on the way to his second X-Factor Audition, he was overcharged for a bag of revels, a packet of Monster Munch and a ribena in his local Petrol Station.  Expect the film of the book to be released later this year.

Matt was hailed by many as a “serious” artist, and someone who was going to show that the X-factor could create “real and raw” talent.

Here are two excerpts from his wiki page that tell us all we need to know:

On 15 March 2011, it was reported that Cardle has signed a record deal with Syco Music in a joint venture with Columbia Records, becoming the first The X Factor winner not to be exclusively signed to Simon Cowell’s label.[16]

WOW – well played Matt!

On 20 May 2012 Cardle announced on Twitter that he had “parted ways” with Columbia Records.[19]

Oh.

Still, there’s still Dignity right?

In may 2012, Ger Taylor, co-proprietor of Dignity Bar, when asked about the possibility of Matt Cardle playing in his venue, replied.  “Who?”

Ah.  Sorry Matt.

8.  2011 – Little Mix

There is still loads and loads of time for Little Mix to plummet from semi-obscurity to total obscurity…but…in the mean time it’s good to see that they’re up to loads of “proper music” related artistry:

On 31 May 2012, it was announced that they would release an autobiography, which will be released on 31 August 2012 by Harper Collins.[26][27] On 20 June 2012, they revealed the artwork and title, Ready to Fly.[28][29]

In May 2012, Little Mix reportedly signed a deal with Vivid and Bravado to release their own range of products including dolls, puzzles, accessories and games.[30] In June 2012, Little Mix were recruited by chocolate company M&M’s to launch a limited edition range of the chocolates in celebration of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.[31]

So why do so many people watch it?

The X-factor exists for a couple of reasons.

1.  They make millions from the phone votes.  Literally, they can’t move for the money they make from people spending their hard earned money on a vote that’s not even going to count.

2.  Advertising revenue.  It costs more to have an ad during an X-factor show than it does during the World cup.

3.  They want to sell you loads of crap.  Like here, let’s look at some recent stills from recent X-factor episodes:

Some hopeful chatting on “his” brand new samsung phone to a mentor.  Note the expansive shot of the hotel room.

Is that a fancy new Samsung Tablet I see?

Let’s all play with our tablets!  We’re already working for Simon but we don’t know it yet..

“Hello?  Hello?”  …”It’s not working!…oh wait…what’s that Simon?  It is working?  Oh right!  It is working…what a great samsung phone this is”

Wait…what’s this show about again?

FIX!!!

Every week I read people on my facebook and twitter feed giving out that the whole thing must be a fix, and that Lois Walsh is the biggest prick to ever walk on the earth.  Well let me enlighten you guys.  When you say something like that, it’s as dumb as saying that “Phil Mitchell is a horrible nasty piece of work!!”.  Barlow, Walsh, Cowell, the other two tramps whose names escape me…they are all actors on a soap opera directed by Simon Cowell.  OF COURSE IT’S A FIX!!

They can’t be having the same type of people winning every year…it also explains why they leave a lot of mentally bankrupt people on the show (Jedward?!).  It’s a shameless soap opera and if you know this, but enjoy watching it anyway, then fair play to ya.  It’s just like watching Emmerdale Farm or one of those type of shows.  But if you think it’s a serious talent show, and if you get riled up every week about it – I feel sorry for you.

Have a good Sunday everyone!  If you enjoyed the read, please share it with your friends.  We all have butter related concerns after all.  And also, this blog is my only route back into the writing world for the time being.

as a disgruntled ex facebook friend of mine once said:

“i think you are on this page for your own gain ..with your blogs and shit just need constent gratafafion”

Too right my friend.

D

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About deisesupes

Creative Writer, part time journalist, part time Graphic Design enthusiast.
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2 Responses to The Hard Hitting Issues

  1. Rowena says:

    Yes my butter is definitely related to your butter. The image of what I’ve got here haha!

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