Let’s talk about all those things that we do , but don’t readily admit. And I guess, in order to do that, I’m going to have to take one for the team and admit that I do all of these things myself.
First off, yes, I’m guilty of sitting in the window of Geoffs and passing judgment on everyone that passes. I still dress like I did I’m in secondary school but that doesn’t stop question whether or not the people that pass by got dressed in the dark this morning. We all become absolute bastards when we sit in that window, and don’t even dare deny it.
I walk through Lady’s Dunnes as a short cut to City Square. That’s not particularly shocking but, being a man, I have no business going in there.
I take pictures of everything and everyone. If I’m sitting across from you in a pub and you’re wearing a silly hat, I’ll more than likely take a picture of you and send it to a friend for the purpose of ridicule. I’m not proud of this by the way. It’s an addiction. Social media has turned me into a horrible person. There’s a girl that walks around town with a nest on her head – I take pictures of her…why? What is wrong with me?! And those people who take pictures of their food? I’m one of them as well. And an arty picture of a dripping wet, ice-cold pint? I do that too!! I genuinely need help. But hey, I’m not alone there am I?
My favourite shopping district in Waterford is Pound Lane, and I have no problem admitting that. Don’t know where Pound Lane is? Course you do, it’s that end of Michael Street where the pound shop and Dealz is. For many years now I have loved the feeling of walking into a shop with very little money and walking out with a big sack full of stuff. Admittedly, most of the stuff is either complete crap, or some kind of chocolate that we thought was taken off the market years ago. I won’t lie to you, I once bought a pregnancy test in Dealz. I’m pretty sure I could do the test eight hours into labour and it would still show a negative. And all that electric stuff? Iphone accessories, cheap batteries, headphones- all totally and utterly useless. I bought one of those key-finders in the pound shop the other week – you know the ones that beep when you whistle? Anyway, all it did was beep, every two seconds at even the most remote noise. It was essentially just a contraption that constantly beeped so you’d always know where your keys were. Another time I bought a USB fan, which didn’t even have the good manners to even try and function properly. I plugged it in, and nothing happened. You can’t bring it back because nobody would let you. “You bought it in the pound shop what did you expect?” I’d genuinely love to ask someone working there if anyone has ever actually returned something. Anyway, despite my public lambasting of the pound shop and Dealz (with all its CDs from 1997) I still love it. Please never close.
It goes without saying that we all pretend that we’re blind, deaf and dumb when we walk towards those “charity” collectors with the clipboards in John Robert’s Square. I’m convinced those people are not even human. How can you stand there all day, usually in the pissing rain, being ignored by everyone (with a little abuse thrown in) and still be as happy as an eight year old on Christmas morning?
Another thing we won’t admit is just how fat and lazy we’ve all become. There was a time when people were too lazy to cook dinner. Then they were too lazy to drive down to the chipper. Now people are too lazy to actually ring a chipper so they get onto Just Eat and if that wasn’t lazy enough they just re-order what they had the last time because they’re too lazy to look through the menu. And then, when the food is coming, you have a quick look around your estate to see if anyone is out and about, noticing that you’re about to get your second delivery of the week.
As I’ve often said on this column, we’re all the same. We all like posts on Facebook even if we don’t like it at all, just so the person will see that we have lodged our like. It’s like going to a funeral and making sure that the bereaving see us there. It’s disgraceful, but we all do it. We all hate going to weddings because they’re all exactly the same in Waterford – rain…here comes the Bride…prayers of the faithful…Tower Hotel…unfunny best man’s speech…Avalon…Grease Megamix. No disrespect to prayers of the faithful, or indeed the brilliant Avalon…but can we all admit that a wedding invitation coming through the door is as welcome as the gas bill?
It’s for all the things above, and so much more, that I love Waterford. We’re all as despicable as each other, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.