Food Freaks

I OPENED a can of worms on Facebook last week, and then someone took those worms and put them on a scone with some brown sauce, cheddar cheese and malteasers. How it came about was quite simple, and quite grotesque at the same time. You see, I happened to walk in on a co-worker of mine – a stalwart of the sales team called Linda – who was tucking, quite matter of factly, into a scone that was smothered in tuna. Tempted as I was to call the guards, I instead took to Facebook to find out what other food freaks were out there. By God was I in for a shock. If you’re having your lunch/breakfast/dinner, I recommend putting the magazine down and coming back later…this is not going to be pleasant.

I actually don’t know where to start. At the time of writing, there were 250 comments on the thread. I knew there were sickos out there but I really didn’t know to what extent, until I knocked on the door of depravity. Everyone knows well enough by now that if they comment on my page, they are liable to get their names in the paper the following week. They have admitted to these culinary crimes so they are going to be named and shamed.

Mark Tubritt eats chicken curry with mayonnaise, and I’m started in a fairly mundane fashion. Jonathan Brazil, who I know to be a very intelligent and sensible young man, eats a combination of milk, sugar and spaghetti. Breda Brennan, a councillor, an elected official, eats digestive biscuit sandwiches. That’s two slices of white bread with digestive biscuits in the middle…and she got 700 first preference votes in the last election.

Karen Hearne, who is rearing actual human children, eats a bag of King crisps with brown sauce on them! “Chuck a bag of salted peanuts in for good measure,” she says.

What happened next was quite indicative of how people think about their food. A debate about beans on toast started. Daniel Hughes said that he used to think people “who don’t put their beans on top of their toast, but pool them on a plate and place toast around it” should be sectioned. To which Eibhlín Ní Ghríofa (Eilieen Griffin to you and me) replied “But…Beans-Beside-Toast is a vastly superior meal! No one likes soggy toast, do they?” At this point I would like to state for the record that I’m with Eileen on this one – soggy toast is one of the nastiest abominations known to hot food. Daniel was having none of it and came back with this rather futile retort – “You wait for the toast to cool, spread the butter and create a barrier between butter and beans… or… You grill cheese on it and put the beans on top.” By the way, the rest of this beans on toast tête-à-tête went on for a further 27 comments.

Paula McEvoy unashamedly eats Wheetabix with butter and a sprinkle of sugar. Pat Murphy eats cabbage or dilisk sandwiches. Debby Allen and Aidan O Sullivan for some reason think that it’s okay to combine hot chips with cold ice cream (as if temperature was the main source of the disgust here).

Paula Flynn eats mushy peas on bread and her hubby Colin likes bananas with his roast potatoes. They have three children, but don’t worry, I’ve already put in a call to the social services.

Brian Moore said, quite nonchalantly, as if it wasn’t akin to a war crime, that he eats a “Cream cracker sandwich with beetroot and a dollop of marmalade jam in the middle”. While Laura Finnegan O’Halloran, who has a fairly big and responsible job with the FAI and WIT, gave us this rather sordid recipe – “Half an apple, hollow it out, fill with mashed cheese and onion crisps.” Just let that one fester for a minute.

Kelley Chester says there’s nothing better than having a roll with corned beef, chips, red sauce and mayo while Ger Condon, also from Ferrybank, eats scrambled eggs with cabbage and sweet chill sauce. These people walk amongst us like seemingly normal people!

There’s more. Claudio Cavaliere, an actual chef, who owns an actual restaurant and whose brother writes our food column, eats buttered toast with a slice of ham, mashed black banana and topped with English mustard. Paul Horan, another who owns an establishment that sells food to the public, puts cheese on his Mikado biscuits.

Michael Garland, he of the Waterford Business Group and 1848 Tricolour Committee takes a digestive biscuit and puts raspberry jam on it, which is grand until he introduces a slice of cheddar cheese to the equation.

Jim ‘Flash’ Gordon, another chef who ones not one, but two establishments that sells food to the unsuspecting public, eats steak or duck with chocolate – “nice sauce of red wine, gravy, dark chocolate…it’s amazing” Flash says with not a bother on him.

Also, I was astounded at the amount of people, many of whom I shared a house with growing up, eat banana and crisps sandwiches (not to mention sugar sandwiches). However, I do remember working with a girl – I believe she was Dutch – who ate sandwiches full of those ‘hundreds and thousands’ sprinkles.

PJ O Shea eats cockles in hot milk with chopped onions and garlic topped off with Carrigeen moss and seemingly doesn’t care who knows it. Ian Noctor, a trusted broadcaster, eats rashers with raspberry jam (to be fair I like mini pancakes with butter and jam and rashers, so I won’t judge Ian too harshly).

The amount of people who do disgusting things to innocent blaas have to be seen to be believed. Maria Brett Mahon puts smarties in her blaas while Davy Sutton puts Wheelies (bacon crisps) and Mackarel (the fish) into his blaas.

Brian Cunningham…Brian…I don’t even know what to say about this. He puts sardines, porridge, peanut butter, beetroot, ice-cream into a blender and drinks the lot. And he works with the public.

There is so much more now but thank Christ I’m restricted by space. I will give the final word to Felicity Fitzpatrick and Samantha Tierney who do perverted things with Oxtail soup. Samantha dips sliced apple into hers while Felicity was raised on Wheetabix mixed with Oxtail Soup. There’s really nothing stranger than folk.